Often I’ve felt hidden in the depths of my unlikely thoughtful mind. exploring reality and a world of what I’d wish things to be. Hidden behind my assumptions of what the world perceives me to be, opposed to that which I know I am. this magnificent, beautiful, intelligent creature. things that even the strongest and most distorted thoughts could not provoke me to be anything less. And as I begin to not just think this but feel this, the concept of inner peace gently settles on my spirit and the strength needed to breaks down the walls of low self esteem and molding the clay of self confidence within. This clay so smooth and uniquely defined to ensure that all elements within are remarkably recognized for the exact significance that they hold and with each stroke of my clay the more bold and courageous I begin to feel. And with this I am no longer hidden but instead I see every part of me and with it I see strength, I see love, I see power, I see beauty…
I see where I’ve come from and all I seek to gain.
But the journey to get there is driving me insane.
It’s like I’m being tugged this way and that.
Like I’m forcibly being pushed into combat.
With this thing called life that doesn’t seek to give me any passes.
With this thing called life that I can’t even read with my glasses.
On but now broken from how many times I’ve fallen.
I can’t see my way it’s blurry but I’m still calling.
Calling for help with my arm reach out.
Calling for peace but all I’m feeling is doubt.
Doubting myself, accepting my struggle,
doubting my beliefs, all too much to juggle.
God give me a sign, send me relief,
Good give a sign, please grant me peace.
I can’t do this! I’m not strong enough.
I’m not equipped with the tools, it feels just to tough.
Then slightly and ever so softly I feel a light touch
And a whisper in my ear “If only you saw you how I see you, you’d know your enough”
And in that moment I felt peace like never before.
All the pressure was off and I was ready to soar.
Sunshine filled rainy days
Wishful thoughts in the midst of distress
Plain as day the fact that control is out of my hands
Yet my mind grasp on to the delusion that control is mine
An inability to leave it behind
For Bright horizons masked in winds of misconception
Increase the length and distance to this walk on a path of struggle
A solution in arms reach, just let go
A result of my obsession with perfection
Not realizing that to gain the desired outcome all I have to do it let go
All I have to do is accept what was, what is, and what is to come
As my stress and worry, anxiety related to such are in actuality leading to my unexpected failure
I refuse to fail, I refuse to lose, I refuse to fall
Or is my refusal the exact source of all the negativity that encompasses my life
In that, through failure and loss I grow stronger
A sudden recognition that this is my reality
I am stronger, I am smarter, I am more confident
All of which come with acceptance and self love
So on this day, my rainy days mark a sign of my bright horizons
My reallocation of thinking and reflection of self…
Are you ready for yours?
Being an individual that loves things to be a certain way initially made it difficult for me to encourage Independence with my children. Once they reached the stages in development focused on autonomy and the realization that they are their own separate person, individuality begins to flourish. I initially had a tough time with this. With my first child I experienced this with clothing selection and him never wanting mommy to help, with my second child I experienced this with her hair and color of clothing. with my last child I experienced this with him wanting to do everything himself. Now for some people these things may not be a big deal but clothing selection was huge to me because I used to love buying my children matching clothing or color scheme and shoes to match. Well my oldest had a phase that he was like a little cowboy. Now this was cute but I wanted him to wear matching clothes that I bought when we went out. So I continued to put him in the clothes I picked but I began to notice his mood changing. I tried to figure out why this was occurring. Which at the time was hard due to my son’s difficulty communicating at the time. Then one day he started pointing at his tie and cowboy boots. That day I let him pick out his clothing and his mood instantly changed. This was the day I put aside my extreme need to be in control and make everything as close to perfect as possible and realized that the imperfections, the differences, the individuality, makes us special and unique and what I deemed as perfect for me may not be for bothers, including my children. I no longer sought to make my children in my image but to instead help to encourage and mold them into their own special unique little selves.
Hopeless dreams held hopeless nights, no difference between the two. No more dreams of happiness amidst this since scratched tune. I find myself in the weary hallways of my mind. Tip-toeing around the thought of life leaving me behind. The discouraged acts of my movements seen by all surrounding me in every realm. Effortlessly becoming zombie-like an inadequate functioning of self. This utter disregard for the purpose behind my creation. This limited wonder into my next destination. Depression held inside out is what led me here, what led me to you. Coddled up amongst the loss of what to do. You which were always there midst my imperfection. You which were always here behind the luminosity. That which I was blinded to until you awoke within me the magnificent being which is your soul. That gave me the strength to stand up against all that stood in my way, all the obstacles I seemed to face. It was you that provided purpose that reminded me that imperfection did not mean I was misplaced. It was you that allowed everything to fall into place with a destiny presented in disbelief to all who caught a glimpse of what was in store for me. Now that I’ve found you, I’ve finally found me. Eternally connect Internal, External me…
The journey to self discovery can be difficult but I believe that it all falls in the hands of acceptance. So accept who you are to gain who you have the ability to become.
When in the company of a mother the world instantly changes.
It reflects the essence of many emotional ranges.
The ability to pour utter joy into another being.
The ability to enter the mouth of chaos without fear of fleeing.
The ability to restore pain through comfort.
The ability to build resilience in another.
When in the company of a mother one finds methods of living not yet explored.
The ability to no longer be concerned with saving face in the midst of request implored.
All for the sake of your child.
All for the sake of seeing that they smiled.
All for the sake of keeping all harm from making them company.
All for the sake of reminding them that you will always accompany.
Them through every storm and every tear shed.
Through every laugh that leads to ideal success.
Through all that makes life worth living.
When in the company of a mother there is an explosion of:
Discipline through Care
Everlasting sense of Purity
When in the company of ME I hope that a mother is what you see…
(Photographer: Ron Brewer)
I would like to first thank you for taking the time to join me for my second go at this. I am so happy to have gained the confidence to share what makes up my beautifully imperfect, continually learning and developing journey of self and as a mother. GROWING up as the oldest girl and the second oldest of 8 it was important for me to develop a strong sense of responsibility. Though this was not always easy. At times it was a struggle feeling like all eyes were on me to succeed. I placed more emphasis on over achieving and PERFECTION on myself then others placed on me. And in a world where perfection is impossible my thoughts of perfection often times led to failure. I would get down on my self and think of all the possible ways things could have turned out differently. This need to break away from my thoughts of perfection led to somewhat of a rebellious and explorative phase in my life. While I still ensured to stay on track to graduate high school and begin my college studies I still had a long way to SELF DISCOVERY.
This journey took me through a much needed RECONNECTION with my God, several relationships, 3 pregnancies which blessed me with 3 beautiful children, a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology, a Masters degree in the field of Infant Mental health, pursuing my doctorate degree, professional positions in child development, education, therapy, and case management, engaging in things that make me happy like modeling and writing, and that’s not the half of it!
I have been at my lowest points and been blessed to rise back up. I have been through struggles that led to a better appreciation of what I have. I have been through battles that I gained the strength to overcome or simply walk away from. And because of these things, much support from my loved ones, and my motivation to be the best that I can be for my children I have developed a sense of RESILIENCE that was not previously there. But it is important to note that I no longer seek perfection instead I expect and create room for PROGRESS and POSITIVE exploration of my daily living. And for this to be possible I had to learn that its okay to make a mistake as long as I am able to learn from it. It is okay to fail if it leads to discovery and motivates me to work harder. It is okay to cry (I am human!) as long as I have the ability to put myself back together and remember the resources and tools available to me to do so. These resources include prayer, writing, getting advice and venting to loved ones, and reminding myself what I am working for and towards.
I have shared all of this in the hope of reaching someone and helping to ease their mind, enhance their journey, and assist in the development of a balanced life. So look out for my all of my post as WE move forward in this journey TOGETHER through advice, scripture, poetry, parenting, personal and professional development, and my life…
I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me. -Philippians 4:13